Car relations: What's yours called?

Are you obsessed by your car, or could you abandon it without qualms? Franca Davenport examines the tricky subject of automotive relationships

There's a lot of talk these days about how to get people out of their cars. Better public transport, road charging, electric bikes... the list goes on and on. But before any of these can be remotely successful there's another, much bigger hurdle that must be tackled: the close and sometimes intimate relationships we have with our vehicles. Reducing car use isn't simply about saving the planet, it's about the emotional upheaval involved in walking out on our automotive companion.

The bond we form with our cars varies. Just as in the human world, no two relationships are the same. Some consider their vehicle to be part of the family, others a trustworthy friend, and then there are some of us who would like to take things a little bit further…

According to recent research more than half of us identify our cars by gender and nearly a third give them names, from Lolita to The Blue Lady, from Sweat-box of Death to MiniPimp. It seems that, as well as being a very long word, anthropomorphism is rife in the automotive world. Not only do we name our cars but we talk to them, argue with them and decorate them with various trinkets, scented baubles and fluffy accoutrements. There has even been research to show that we attribute personalities to our cars and that, when we drive, we can take on these personalities. Let's just hope they don't resemble the psychopathic Plymouth in Stephen King's Christine.

So what makes us so attached to our cars? According to social psychologists, there are three main elements that constitute a strong relationship: passion, commitment and intimacy. For those of who read the Telegraph Motoring pages we can assume the first is already present. However, when it comes to cars, passion doesn't necessarily go hand-in-hand with commitment. In fact, it probably encourages the opposite. Unlike human relationships, there isn't a western taboo associated with multiple partners. If you're an automotive swinger, it's not a matter of throwing your keys into a bowl to choose your partner, it's a matter of fishing out a set from your own personal collection. The greater the passion, the more cars you are likely to be involved with, which often results in a veritable harem parked in your drive, or lodged at the garages of various mates. After all, with so many possible companions out there, it would be a shame not to let them all experience the benefits of your driving abilities.

Which brings us to the third element of a successful relationship: intimacy. It's a word that conjures up candlelit dinners and soft music, holding hands and the inevitable coffee afterwards. The equivalent in an automotive relationship could be a night of tinkering in the garage with Radio 3 in the background, maybe an oil change or a top up with antifreeze if you're lucky. Anything more would be stepping into the realm of automobile-philia, although in researching this article I came across a very unusual website that explained, in great detail, how to have very intimate relationship with one's car. The writer was intriguingly called Dekhyr Dragon, and his catchphrase was "happiness is a warm tailpipe". The rest is best left to the imagination.

However, for those of us who prefer a more practical approach to our relationships, there is the concept of Social Exchange. This holds that all relationships are based on the very simple premise that what we do with our so-called loved one very much depends on what we get in return. It is a simple calculation of profit that is based on what rewards we receive minus the costs we incur. It doesn't mean we can't love and care for our partner, it just means we expect the same in return, or something just as valuable in exchange. If you spend time keeping your car in good shape you expect it to be dependable, and if you lovingly polish it every Sunday it should behave on the road. This form of relationship is simply a matter of weighing up the pros and cons, and if there comes a time when your car isn't giving you enough in return, then perhaps it is time to say goodbye. So where's the romance in that? None - and that's the point.

Another theory says that every relationship has an evolutionary purpose and its end goal is to move our genes forward, in other words it revolves around sex. Now apart from Mr Dragon, a sexual relationship with a car is never going to work in the long term. However, there's no doubt that the car is amongst the top 10 status symbols that can idetify you as an alpha male or alpha female. A car communicates who we are, or at least who we want to be. It's part of our identity and also provides a handy location for any "evolutionary" purposes that may follow. However, if our cars do succeed in attracting the object of our affections, it may be that they put their feet on the dashboard or slam the doors too hard or generally treat part of our identity like a mobile skip. What's for sure is they won't be allowed to drive our beloved vehicle.

Indeed, when you talk to psychologists about the difficulty of prising people out of their personal transport, they believe it depends heavily on the sense of autonomy provided by a car. Or as a relationship expert would say, "It's all about control". People like to know that they can get into the familiar surroundings of their car at any time and drive anywhere, even if it means crawling along the M25 at 10mph for four hours. At least it's our car with our music and our funny pear-shaped air freshener dangling from the rear-view mirror. So if our relationship with cars is indeed "all about control" and control is becoming increasingly important in our chaotic lifestyles, how are we going to make the split? And how do we decide who's going to keep the CDs, the sat-nav, the mobile phone charger and the furry dice?

According to experts, in order to break off our relationship with cars we need to have better options. Other forms of transport must be made more attractive, convenient and - wait for it - prestigious. However, despite the well-known comparison of potential partners to buses (you wait for ages and then three come along at once) its probably going to take more than jazzing up the alternative to convince us to "move on". Perhaps hypnosis is the answer, in which case we might find a proper purpose for those furry dice and pendulous air fresheners.

1) You are flicking through the clasified car adverts. Which one catches your eye?

a) Reliable runaround, good mpg and low mileage. 12 months MoT and tax.
b) Real thoroughbred. Good sense of horsepower and only one previous owner.
c) Absolute stunner. Sunroof, leather upholstery, surround music system. Heated and totally adjustable seats.

2) It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon. The sky is blue, the birds are singing, the roads are clear but the car is dirty. What do you do?

a) Convince your partner to help give the car a quick wash then go for a picnic in the country.
b) Spend all day lovingly polishing your vehicle so there's not enough time to go for a drive.
c) Take it to the nearest hand car wash and hope it's a hot day.

3) A friend's car has gone in for a service and they need to pick up their taxiphobic grandmother from the station. Do you:
a) Lend them your car.
b) Pretend the car has a puncture in case granny's knitting needles scrape your boot.
c) Drive them to the station and hope granny's a looker.

4) How often do you service your car?
a) Once a year.
b) Once every three months.
c) It varies, depending on whether you fancy the mechanic.

5) Where do you keep your car documents?
a) In the pocket of the manual in the glove compartment.
b) In a special file in a locked filing cabinet in the cellar at home.
c) Slung wantonly on the back seat.

6 ) What do you call your car?
a) "The car" or something based on the letters of its number plate.
b) A human name or a name ending in y, like Tootsy or Jessy or Fruity.
c) A name referring to its most attractive attributes such as Fast Lady or Smooth Rider.

7) If someone scraped your car accidentally in the car park, would you… a) Calmly get out of your car and swap insurance details.
b) Leap from your car and punch the offender. c
) Check out what the other driver looks like then get your little black book ready.

8) If the alarm of your car went off for no apparent reason in the street, would you…
a) Consult your manual and disengage the alarm.
b) Stare at your car in bewilderment, trying to work out what you could have done to make it behave in this way.
c) Stand beside it, trying to solicit help from passers-by.

9) When you park on the road do you…
a) Park as neatly as possible without worrying about utilising the bumpers.
b) Drive around until you find a space with plenty of room.
c) Try and squeeze it in the smallest space possible because you've heard that good parking skills reflect other important qualities.

What your answers mean

Mainly a: You have a very practical and healthy relationship with your car. If it seems more sensible you will use public transport, and your car doesn't begrudge you this. However, watch out you don't take your car for granted. Try spending a little more special time together. Perhaps go on a road trip with just the two of you, or maybe indulge in a deluxe valet.

Mainly b: You clearly care a great deal about your car and are reluctant to travel in other forms of transport, but beware that you're not getting over-protective. You don't have to go everywhere together, especially if it's just down to the corner shop to buy a pint of milk. And remember, if you're driving other vehicles yourself, it's only fair to let other people drive yours.

Mainly c: There are obvious ulterior motives behind this relationship. Although you are clearly proud of your car and like it to look its best, it seems you're more worried about what other people think than about your own feelings towards your vehicle. Just remember, not even a car likes to be used as a means to gain the affections of others.