S09.E04: Vaxxed and Waxed - My Big Fat Fabulous Life

Jesus...how fucking sheltered is Whitney?  She's been presented with the opportunity to have her own workout app, and gets Jessica excited about it, and then gets a bit 'See I told you people are excited about what I can bring to the fitness world' with Will when she tells Will about it.  Jessica admits a basic clueless-ness about apps, and Will seems unfazed that Whitney at least is acting like she beat him to the punch on an idea that will surely have the Shark Tank folks drooling with multiple offers. 

Whitney, surely even you must realize somebody some day would try to sell you on this idea.  That Whitney couldn't even come up with the idea herself, or is stupid enough to present the idea as somebody else's and an offer she can't refuse, speaks volumes about whether she's up to doing things Will's way.

Buddy is moving out, and Whitney is pissed.  Remember Whitney made Buddy promise to be her roommate if she moved back to her house in Greensboro, so Buddy is breaking Whitney's promise, getting his own life and all.  It's ok for Whitney to complain that the relationship with Buddy is suffering because he has the audacity to move in with his new girlfriend, but didn't Whitney treat Buddy even worse when she was swooning over what's his name last year?

There's some discussion between Whitney and somebody else, maybe everybody else even (I'm hardly paying attention anymore), about whether Mr. French is a catfish, which Whitney dismisses because well, uh, how can a catfish give her a phone-video tour of Paris, and besides, she can see that he is a real person otherwise blurred out to the rest of us.  There's a theme running through this episode and it's nothing related to the title Waxed and Vaxed.  A better episode title would have been Dumb and Dumber.  Maybe the same person who's trying to sell Whitney on the exercise app is in cohoots with Mr. French, or maybe the guy behind 'Williams' on 90-Day Fiance is the brains behind it all.

Oh, Ashley is back ass-kissing.  If they change the title of this awful show to Real Housewives of NC, maybe that would help with this nauseating ingratiation that reaches its vomit-worst with bald-headed friend whose name I'm drawing a blank on now.

And now, a segment about Ashley and Whitney getting their privates waxed, just in case anyone wants to see what was originally on the cutting-room floor before another segment with Hunter must have been deemed better to cut (Jesus, I hope I'm right, because I'm not done watching yet...please dear Lord, no more Hunter).

Oh, they seem to be right in Housewives territory now, and are spending some away time at a glamorous resort of some kind that has an elevator with a weight limit of 950 pounds.  It's probably a question the concierge has never heard, but leave it to Whitney to ask so she can at loud state her current weight less 100 pounds, in my observation, at least.

Oh, it's the Fat Girls Retreat they are at now, I think.  Jesus, wasn't that last week?  Seems we've been hearing about it forever.  Whitney is interviewing the group, being nosey as possible (she starts with 'tell us your age,' clearly thinking all these women look older than her, which was wrong...I mean, does anyone doubt Whitney's real motivation in asking such a useless question?).

Buddy wins this episode, as he escapes from Whitney/moves out without a scratch (literally since even Henchi the cat won't touch Buddy).  Ashley is a loser again this episode for all the stupid stuff she says, like thinking it's too soon for Whitney and Mr. French to be meeting in person.  Ashley, dear, saying the obvious in your talking heads to us the audience and not to your good friend Whitney is not endearing you to either, trust me on that.  And since France apparently will need to roll out the red carpet again for Whitney, I think France is the biggest loser this episode.

Oh wait - Mr. French is the clear winner here.  His reply to Whitney's beating around the bush with her invitation for him to come to North Carolina, home of mountains, beaches and Whitney, doesn't match Whitney's enthusiasm for the idea - 'oh yeah, when I think of North Carolina, the whole vibe doesn't strike me' - is pure gold, and gets Whitney to start re-examining her school-girl crush with this guy.  He has clearly sent Whitney down a dark path, since he seemingly says nothing hopeful when she wants him to say he misses her at the end of the call.

Whitney, try selling North Carolina tourism next.  You're a pro at that - negative one customer so far!